Feelings

I've been having mixed feelings on some days a lot lately. Not every day. But yesterday, it was really bad.

To a certain extent, I'm excited about what God is doing in me.

To a certain extent, though, sometimes I feel inadequate. I'm searching for a better job. I'm thankful for what I've got but I know I could be getting paid more in my field and working full time. Except sometimes when I see job postings with so many skills I've not yet acquired, or I go in to try out for a position when they want me to do that and I end up not being the person they were looking for, or just when I don't get the job. Over time, this feeling of inadequacy has come in to my thoughts at times as far as job hunting goes.

I've also thought back at times over relationships with family and church and friends. I'm not sure I should go into too much details. But I took the steps needed to bring restoration in that area and it still seems like everything has fallen apart. Maybe things are ok between me and my pastor at my church still, but I really have no way of knowing since I don't hear from him anymore, and rarely hear from anyone else either. Without going into much detail, when I came back home, out of my confusion, I said some things that I shouldn't have said and it just didn't go over too well. I feel heartbroken, and some of it was because of my own mistakes.

It's so easy to get caught up in the negative emotions. It's been a fight. The truth is there's a lot of favor on my life. The enemy would use my circumstances to tell me there's not. But I know it's a lie. Things are not as they seem. The fact is that I do have favor and yes, without God I'm inadequate, but with him I'm more than adequate, and I'm more than a conquerer! I can't let the negative emotions get in my way. It's so easy to let them get in my way, but I just need to believe what God says about me. I'm choose not to be down. The past is the past. I've done what I can to clean up any messes I've made and I just need to trust God to do what I'm unable to do in that area. And maybe there are reasons I'm no longer in relationship with certain people who I thought I'd still be in relationship with. I don't have the big picture. God shows me a bigger picture sometimes to help me make sense of things, but I don't always need to make sense of things. This is one of those times where I'm not getting a bigger picture. Sometimes I just need to believe God, trust him, and not go by my feelings.

Feelings are a good thing. Don't get me wrong. But we can't be controlled by them. It's been hard for me, but I think I've been somewhat successful, if not 100% at it. I mean I know there were times I could have let my emotions lead me to my death. Well, I'm still alive!

I have favor. It doesn't matter how I feel from day to day. I just know the truth is I have favor.

A new update

At this time, I think I should update you all on what has been going on in my life. And seeing how it's been since May since my last update, I figured it's time.

I'm still in San Diego County, and there are no immediate plans to go anywhere else. I had been going to The Awakening for church, as mentioned in my last post. However, I found I wasn't connecting like I had hoped. A few weeks ago I visited Glory Mountain Fellowship and I pretty much instantly plugged in. It was great. The Awakening is a great church, but I know I need to be in a place where I have no problem connecting with the people. For whatever reason, I had trouble connecting at The Awakening. It's not anyone's fault at The Awakening, it's just not meant to be between me and them.

There have been family issues. My brother started some stuff and also because of my stance against freemasonry, my family just has some major issues with me. It's a long story but pretty much I'm no longer in the "Cagle family". My last name is still Cagle. It crossed my mind to have it legally changed at some point but I haven't really decided yet. I hold no grudge against my family and would love to be in relationship with them, but I also want to see them come out of freemasonry and into a relationship with the real Jesus Christ. I believe family is very important. They've essentially chosen to no longer be in relationship with me because of their commitment to the Masons.

I have purchased my own cell phone plan and my own cell phone. This was the last shred of dependence on my family I had left, and I'm free from that now.

I'm still praying about where to go to ministry school in the future. I don't know if I want to do BSSM again. Part of me really wants to, but then part of me wants to look into other options too. The Awakening's School of Activation? Maybe if I can stay at Glory Mountain for my home church. But if Glory Mountain starts up a ministry school, especially if it's a school based on Bethel's curriculum, that's where I'm going most likely.

It's been said by some of my "friends" that I made a crazy decision in coming back to California. Yeah, I guess I was pretty crazy to leave Virginia, where my life was pretty much controlled by a "minister" and businessman who was pretty paranoid about everything and motivated by fear. Yeah, I should have stayed there. Instead, I broke free from there, moved back to California, and found a job within two weeks of coming out there, and the housing situation worked out. Yeah, doesn't sound like I should have come out here. Not at all. Because everything is working out. Yeah, who would want things to actually work out? Oh wait, things working out is is a good thing!

At peace about where I'm at.

Through the difficulty that I ran into here during my short time here in San Diego, there's just a peace about being here. I do have a job now, and I thank God for that. Quite frankly I'm not working enough hours to provide all my needs, really. But I am confident that God will make up for where my work is lacking in providing for me. After all, God is my provider anyway.

I was totally wanting to complete school at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I was devastated when I found out I wasn't accepted to get back in, even though there was someone willing to pay my tuition for me. I prayed about it, and definitely felt San Diego County was the place to be. Within two weeks of coming to the area I find a job. I'm still looking for a second job, so I'm believing God will work something out there or provide some other way.

Being back at home in North Carolina for one month, I knew I wasn't really supposed to be there. I was welcomed home by my church and everything, but something just wasn't right for me. And it's nothing against my church. Nothing against my family either, though I did go through a rough time with them. Nothing against my friends. Looking back, I honestly think most of them did what they could to help me feel welcome under the circumstances I was in. Though I quickly ran into difficult times there, and there wasn't much they could do. Even if there was something they could do, there would remain this feeling that this isn't the right place.

So I find a little work up in Virginia. Well I had a place to stay there for the time I was doing the work and someone took care of the rent for me. But I really wasn't able to save any money to get back to where I knew I needed to be, in California. On top of that, there were tons of people with a heavy religious spirit on them that didn't even recognise how religious they actually were. I mean one lady was talking about how Star Wars was demonic and we shouldn't watch it. Oh, being the Star Wars fan that I am, I had to just ignore her. There was quite a bit of legalism too. I never really found a spiritual father that I needed either. Yes, one person was really trying, I think, but I didn't find a real spiritual father that's a good fit for me, that totally saw what was on my heart like Padre Matt did at New Beginnings/New Bethel in North Carolina.

I was given $250, not realistically enough to even make it here. I got to San Diego County and had $80 left. You know that went fast. But God is providing.

Now keep in mind, I don't believe I'm totally where I need to be as far as finances and provision goes yet. I'm still barely getting by, and I had to work out a payment plan for my rent. But I found a part time job within two weeks, doing web site design too. It might not be full time, but it's better than nothing. And one more part time job and I should be ok. I want to work with this company for a decent amount of time before I move on to something bigger and better. But now that I've got my foot in the door, bigger and better things are coming.

I'm considering going to the School of Activation at The Awakening, the church I've been attending. But I'm going to wait until I'm a bit more stable financially to go there.

I don't know how many people there are that are truly supporting me. And I'm not just speaking about finances, but just whether they're cool with the move I made to come back to California, but a different part. I'm not really concerned about that either. I did want the support of a spiritual father at least, but I no longer really had that either. I was in a position where I just had to make the decision. I don't regret this decision at all. Even if I were to be homeless for a time (and thank God I'm not) I would not have regretted this decision. I'm not going to lie. I was threatened with homelessness. All sorts of crazy stuff went through my mind then. Thoughts of just giving up on life even came to me, as I had nowhere else to go where I truly felt welcome and at peace. But no! God reminded me I needed to stand my ground! Even if I was homeless temporarily I would find work. Homelessness would only be a temporary state, and definitely not the position that God has destined for me to be in. But God took care of things where I wouldn't even have to be homeless, even temporarily.

Having the support of others can be good. But when others stop supporting you for whatever their reasons, are you still going to obey the voice of the Holy Spirit when you hear it? People will let you down, but God won't. Though there are times I did feel let down by God, especially while I was in Redding, but ultimately it was because I didn't know what God was doing during that time. God was having me try to push a thousand pound boulder, knowing that I wouldn't succeed (or at least succeed the way I thought was success, in all reality I did succeed in what God had for me) so I could be strengthened enough to move the 500 pound boulder in the next place he really had for me, which is here in San Diego County. It's still not easy, but I am making progress.

I am still in need of a spiritual father here in this area. Hopefully I'll find a good one at The Awakening. Quite frankly there are wounds that do need to be healed too. I admit that. And I was never able to set up the Sozo appointment with y church back in North Carolina. We went back and forth talking about setting up an appointment via Skype, but for whatever reason it never got set up. I did what I could, though. Something will work out here instead. So I am still pursuing inner healing.

As I mentioned, finances are still difficult at the moment. If you want to give, paypal is probably the easiest way. joey.cagle@gmail.com is the address to send it to. If you have no paypal, you can stop by Wal Mart, CVS, Kroger, Rite Aid, and various other stores and get a green dot moneypak. You have to put a minimum of $20 on it because that's the way it works, and the moneypack is $4.95, and you can scratch off the back and send the number to me, and I'm able to put it right in my Paypal account. Those are a couple of ways you can give if you're wanting to. Keep in mind, I am searching for a second job, and I have a job already, as mentioned. Some of you might try to tell me to get a job, and wouldn't you know I have one and I'm looking for one more. This is only a temporary situation I'm in now and I'm working my way out, with God's help. Even if no one gave, I'm overcoming this situation and getting into better situations.

Update, in SD County, new job, etc

Well I made my move to San Diego County. I'm living in San Marcos now. I was in Escondido temporarily but I didn't have peace about the place I was staying at.

Last Monday I had an interview and was hired, and I start tomorrow as a graphic designer/Ebay office assistant with auctionexpress.com in Escondido.

I'm looking for one more job, as this is just part time and I'm still needing more income. But this is better than nothing.

It seems there are a few people willing to help out, and if you're lead to help out financially, you can always paypal joey.cagle@gmail.com.

Things are looking up. Hopefully I'll have a second job soon. I was pleased with how fast I found the first one, especially with the way the economy is right now. God is good though, and since I've been here I can just tell I have more favor here. It's great!

Update, airplane ticket cost as of this time

So as of this time, if I do Southwest Airlines (my prefered airline) it's only $220 after the taxes and fees to get from here to San Diego. Just praying for it to come in.

I wonder why, and the future

I wonder why some people want to treat others like a child, like they know nothing. I wonder why some people want to come into the place of being a mentor to someone, without truly knowing the person or without the person's permission. I wonder why people want to put themselves of spiritual father over people who do not need or want them as a spiritual father. I wonder why people want to direct a person's life when a person may have a direction already.

I'm not against spiritual fathers. I'm not against speaking destiny into someone's life. But sometimes this can be used to control people too. I feel like some of that has gone on. Some of the things on my heart are being totally overlooked, and I feel like I'm getting sidetracked and pulled from the things I know I need to do and into the things someone else thinks I need to do. And the funny thing is this person who is distracting me is the very same person that says I shouldn't get distracted. What's up with that?

Thanks for the help, but I've already got a direction. Thanks for the help, but I'm already making progress and you're kind of holding me back. Thank you, but no thanks.

So I'm heading back to southern California, likely San Diego this time. It looks like doors are opening up there and there's a Bethel Church plant I'd like to attend. I was told they have a ministry school based on Bethel's school but they have no information on their web site. Regardless, I can find something to further my training. I went to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I didn't complete it, but I went. There's other options, and I'm pretty much over Bethel now.

I've been sending my resumes out to places in San Diego, and even got a call from a Target store the other day that was wanting to know when I'd be in town.

I have picked April 25th to be the date I get back in town. I'm trying to contact the San Diego Dream Center for a temporary place to stay, and now I just need help to get there. An airplane ticket, a ride, whatever. I'm just going to find a way to get there.

Been sucked dry, need refreshing.

Sometime in 2006, I was pretty much set on fire for God! Not that I wasn't ever on fire for him before, but I just became absolutely more radical than I ever had been before. I was full of life and very enthusiastic!

2007 - still on fire, still very radical.

2008 - still on fire, still very radical, most of the year.

Towards the end of the year, I had to drop out of my first year of Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry.  The financial support I had previously had stopped coming in, and the job search in Redding was not very fruitful.

March of 2009 I had a job. April of 2009 I lost my job. And so go my hopes for going back to BSSM in the fall of 2009.

I went down to Hope for Homeless Youth at the LA Dream Center for two months. Then I decided to go back up to Redding and start searching for a job again.

Somewhere in all of this, I just lost the fire and the enthusiasm I had.

I have had brief moments. But something just isn't right. This isn't me. This isn't who God created me to be. A lot of the life I had had been sucked out of me.

I'm still trying to stay positive about things and believing, but it's honestly been harder to do that.

I'm going to be moving to San Diego, California sometime this month. I've been here in Chesapeake, Virginia doing some work, but it hasn't been what I thought it would be. I wanted a job that was actually paying a decent amount of money. Well instead I get a place to stay and some stuff. That's good and all, except I have student loans to pay for and other things as well. That's being neglected.

Also I've been pulled into this ministry that I never felt I was supposed to be part of. I even told the guy I'm working for that, but still got caught up in it anyway. I'm looking forward to getting out of it. On top of that, while living here, I feel like he's trying to control aspects of my life that I don't need him to control. I don't think it's his intention, but I definitely feel that way.

I have been part of an amazing church when I've had the opportunity to go, New Life Western Branch. I totally love them. If I were to stay in the area, that's where I'd want fellowship at.

Still, I just feel like I've been sucked dry. I wonder how I ever got myself into this situation.  But I know God is faithful. I know there are better things coming.

I am needing a time of refreshing. I haven't really gotten that lately. Yes, I've had plenty of time to rest in his presence, get in the word, and everything. There's still something missing as of late, and it's irritating.

I want to be in a place that's not going to suck me dry. I've been in that place before. And that doesn't mean I'm not working. In fact I was working and going to school back in 2006. I was able to get that refreshing regardless of what responsibilities I had.

Going back home isn't a great option for me anymore. I tried that and it didn't end up so well. I won't get into the details. I still love my family. I've moved on, though. I need to be out. Either I've changed too much for them or they've changed too much for me, or maybe both. I've got doors opening in San Diego, I just need to get out there.  I want a decent job and not some kind of deal where I'm working, given a free place to stay and free food but having my life pretty much controlled. I don't like that. And that's what I've pretty much got right now.

In the process, though, it's not just work I want. I need a time of refreshing and I need God to do something new in me. I need to be in a place where I can truly receive from him again.

Anyway I'll post more on this later. This is a good stopping point for now.