I think, for part of that time, I didn't have anything good to post though, with the mood I was in. I admit, until this past weekend, I had been waffling too much. I made it out here, but I wasn't trusting God that this was where I needed to be, right now. I really found out just how controlled I am by emotions, and more importantly, the desire just to be comfortable.
Here is a letter I sent to Padre Matt back at home at New Beginnings Church, and I think this letter will help explain where I'm at right now...
Padre Matt,So, I'm learning to trust in God, and just relying on God to be my comfort when I need to be comforted, instead of just seeking out comfort.
What's up? Things are going well here.
Some things I'm realizing... a) I'm only just beginning to learn to trust in God and b) I had become very comfortable back home in North Carolina, and it's easy to want to stay in that comfort zone and not want more, but I know God wants me to have more of him in my life, and I want more, and that's why I'm out here. So, I'm in the process of learning on how to handle the uncomfortable situations and let God give me comfort when I need it, and step out of the comfort zone when a) I need to or b) even when it's not called for, when no one demands it of me, I still step out of my comfort zone to go after God. I grew up in a family that strived so hard to be comfortable. I was doing alright back at home. No, I didn't have it all, but I had gotten pretty comfortable there. In that family I grew up in, instead of letting God be the one to comfort them, I think comfort was a god. "As long as I get to a point where I'm comfortable, I'll be ok." I'm realizing that my family had it way wrong in this area. Yes, we were realistic in our family, and knew there would be times that were uncomfortable. We've been through some challenging stuff. When I was a kid, a lot of times we were dirt poor. But a good home, knowing where our income would come from all the time, etc was always the goal. It wasn't about going after God. But I think because that was the goal, that's the exact reason there's so many problems. The comfort is not something I want to go after anymore. God is often times going to call me into a place that's not so comfortable. I need God to be my comfort, and not the other way around. And when things get uncomfortable, so what? God is there. And God has an awesome church in New Beginnings Church that's helping me right now, so things weren't really as bad as I made them out to be in my mind. I don't want to get too comfortable with the church helping me financially all the time either. I need to get a job as soon as possible, and just trust God that he has a job for me.
The thing is, had I not stepped out of my comfort zone to come out here to Redding, I'd probably slip back into the depression I used to struggle with, because I was not following God. Depression, I can say, is one thing I haven't struggled with since I've been out here. Depression is something I don't want to slip back into either. The idea of that isn't very comforting at all. So either way, I was going to be uncomfortable. I find if I'm following God, if I'm listening and obeying the holy spirit, I'm not getting depressed. There's been anxiety though, which in a way has been totally needless, but also I think has come up, it needed to come up, so I know where I need God to help me overcome, and he's doing it.
I could go on and on, but I've realized it's not about being comfortable, it's about going after God. OK, actually I've known this, but I think this is the first time I've ever had to put it into practice this way. Yes, God will comfort me when I need it, but he will also make me uncomfortable when change is needed. Thanks for talking with me yesterday. I don't think I'm going to be waffling so much from this point on. Maybe there will be points where I do, but God will show it to me and then I'll keep going in the direction I need to go.
Joey
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