Thinking about friendships...

I don't know why this is, but tonight I had an ex-girlfriend from 5 years ago (my last girlfriend) on my mind.  I think this still hurts the worst, even today, because for a long time I felt like she was my only real friend, even after she dumped me.  I got over her pretty much, but there's still something inside that wonders from time to time how she's doing.  I know she got married last year, and I hope that marriage is working out well for her. 

I've had trouble with making real friends.  I make plenty of acquaintances, but even though I have a desire to be close friends with people, it's just almost always the case that I only end up being acquaintances with those people after a while.  Yeah, they might call me a friend, and they may even be pretty friendly towards me, but I always feel like we're just acquaintances.  My last girlfriend even noticed this problem that my friends weren't being real friends.

For the most part, I've gotten past that.  When I put God first, he started shifting things, and I realized I had some pretty awesome friends.

I eventually moved to Redding, California.  I've made some really great friends out here too.

However, as far as close, best friends go, I have to say I'm really not there yet.  I don't know if I've just grown so accustomed to the feeling of not having good friends that I just keep returning to that, even when I have some pretty awesome friends, or what.  I have been hurt so many times in the past as far as friendships go.  I mean even with my last girlfriend, we tried to remain really good friends after that, but she just kept needing space and ultimately she was pretty much out of my life.  I understand that situation.  For her, the friendship was unhealthy at one point (and really it was for me too) and I guess she didn't want to fall back into that.

But I hate to think that having healthy friendships means you don't have a group of friends who are just really close to you.  I don't truly think I have that yet.  Most people have a best friend, I guess.  I can't really say I have one.  Well Jesus is my best friend, of course, but as far as any earthly friends that I really feel close to, it's hard for me to say I have them.

I actually find I'm much more accepted by people here in Redding than back home.  That really helps.  I have awesome roommates, and I'm really forming a good friendship with one of them, I think.  But if I ever move out, will that friendship still be what it is right now?  I have no clue, honestly.

I am thankful for the friends I have.  I am very thankful for the point that God has gotten me to.  Three or four years ago, I was extremely miserable, and felt like I had no other friends other than my ex-girlfriend.  Now I know I have some good friends, people who definitely care about me.  But I know there's more. 

If you're wanting to be my friend, and I just don't seem to be letting you be the kind of friend you want to be for me, please, let me know.  I'm still needing healing as far as how I relate to others goes.  I still don't relate to people like I want to relate to them.  I don't want distant friendships.  Sometimes, I think that's pretty much what I've got though.  There's got to be more.

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