I had a sozo this past Monday. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's an "inner healing" session that Bethel and a number of other churches have. One of the big things that was broken off of me was the spirit of fear, especially the fear of rejection by other people.
Fortunately, God had been showing me that I'm totally not rejected by the people here in Redding. I may have been rejected back at home, but there's a different type of mindset there, and a religious spirit over that area. If I ever go back to the Raleigh, North Carolina, I want it to be because God is going to use me to change the atmosphere there. I know if I go back, a lot of people will be offended, and quite frankly, that's ok with me.
Anyway, I have not felt nearly as nervous or fearful since my sozo. Praise God.
The whole "rejection thing" tried to jump back on me tonight. But I realized I'm not being rejected by anyone.
So to be totally honest, I've got friends. That's not a problem. What I'm wanting now is to find the woman who's going to be my future wife. I'm definitely whole because of Christ, and it's not that I need to find her to feel good about myself. But I definitely know it's God's will for me.
I guess that makes sense.
Van Mason, who has become a spiritual father for me, has told me that you won't feel ready for it. I definitely don't feel ready for it. But I know God told me tonight to make sure certain things in my life are taken care of, and he'll make me ready, even though I don't feel ready.
I've mentioned before that there are certain ones I think might be interested in me. Well, of course, I only want one! And the problem is, there seem to be mixed signals from each one, and while I get the feeling "I think she likes me", it's not enough of a hint for me to actually act on it, I guess. I have dated before, but I've always known she liked me ahead of time. And, of course, none of those worked out. I don't want her to completely give it away, but I'd kind of like more of an obvious hint.
Here's what may seem really crazy to some of the readers. Here at Bethel Church, I don't know every woman's on dating. Each person has a different opinion. Some are cool with dating, some prefer courting, and some just want a guy to listen to the holy spirit to find out if she's the right one. I can't go wrong with the holy spirit (I can go wrong listening to just my emotions though, and mistake it for the holy spirit, but at the same time I want to have more faith that God will keep me rather than fear that the devil will deceive me, and I've been learning to tell the difference between the holy spirit and emotions).
But in all honesty, my future wife is what I'm keeping an eye out for.
But more importantly, I'm going to seek first the Kingdom of Heaven. Fortunately, I'm happy being single too! I'm happy with what God is doing in me, and I'm expecting him to do more!
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