So I've got to snap out of this...

I'm sick of feeling down about my circumstances.

And right now I choose to get out of this depressing slump I've been in. Pray for me, friends, because even though I say this, it's been so easy for me to slip back into it lately.

I'm back in North Carolina for a reason. No, things aren't working out like I had hoped so far. So what? Not much does work out like one hopes. But God works all things together for the good for those who believe. That's what I need to believe, regardless of what happens.

If I start saying anything contrary to this, please try to gently remind me. And if for some reason I reject you for reminding me, just pray for me. I've been going through a lot of pain, and trying to process it all. There's a lot of things I don't understand.

For example, almost all my friends and I really believed it was God's will that I would make it through school last year and graduate. And I ended up having to drop out half way through. None of my friends gave me an apology saying they were wrong or anything. And at times it was easy for me to think it wasn't God's will or God changed his mind or something. I guess I felt hurt because I went in there with a plan, realizing there wasn't really any backup plan, but urged by everyone to go for it anyway, and then when it didn't work out, I had no back up plan. it really stings!

I'm still trying to figure out the fine line between faith and stupidity, I guess. Sometimes doing things by faith appears really stupid to some people.

And then there's the problem at times with my lack of follow-through. I need to deal with that. That was part of the problem as well. But I believe it's rooted in something deeper. Fear is definitely a big part of it.

I've got to work this all out. If I'm expressing pain, please be understanding. There's a lot of stuff I'm going through.

So I'll be getting a sozo soon. Don't know when yet, and don't know how I'm going to get there. I had a sozo while I was at Bethel, and I experienced the amount of breakthrough I was ready for at that time. It's time to go a little deeper now. There's also Restoring The Foundations that's available to me. I might give that a shot.

And most of all, I'm sorry for saying things that have been interpreted as a spit in the eye of the face of New Bethel Church and the senior leader. It definitely wasn't my intention at all. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain inside. And I know this prophetic word I was given about Bethel is not 100% completely fulfilled. Maybe the timing is off, as some people have said. Some people would say that I got all I needed at Bethel. Maybe I got all I needed at Bethel for now but I know there's still more that I'm going back to get at some point.

Oh, and as far as that dream goes that I spoke about in a recent post, feel free to interpret it if you want, but maybe I'll ask Doug Addison the next time I see him.