So, what can restore the excitement I used to have?

I used to have this excitement about what was happening, and where I was heading. I guess it was kind of an emotional high, but it lasted for quite a long time to be an emotional high.

It was late 2005/early 2006 when I finally got over my last bout of depression. And I decided I was going to take on this calling as well to do ministry. I knew I needed to go to school somewhere, and a prophetic word from Ivan Allum even confirmed it and pretty much confirmed where, too.

That excitement, that expectancy about life, continued well on into 2008. In the fall of 2008, I got into ministry school. It was pretty much a miracle that it happened. I didn't even have enough money for the payment plan, but God provided.

However, for some reason, the provision didn't continue. I pressed in and pressed in, but ultimately at the end of 2008, I had to drop out.

Since then, I don't know. The passion and the excitement has dwindled. Yes, there's been times where it's been re-sparked, but it doesn't last quite as long.

I recognize the importance of staying in the Word, worshipping even when you don't feel like it, etc. And I've been doing that. But I've yet to see what I had before re-ignited.

About a week or so before I finally left Redding, Matt, the senior leader of the church I go to here in North Carolina, had said something that triggered me to go into depression. It wasn't his intention, but that's what happened. Right before I left I felt as though I had gotten out of that, but then kind of started falling back into that on the plane.

And I was stuck in that state for two more weeks being back. Now, I'm not so much depressed anymore compared to what I was. However, there still seems to be something lacking. Actually as I'm typing this, I'm realizing there were things I was expecting God to do, and he didn't. Perhaps it was because it was the wrong timing, or maybe I totally misread what he was doing in the spirit. I really don't know. And I know that even though God doesn't do anything wrong, sometimes we still hold things against him and we need to forgive. So right now, I just choose to forgive God. I know he did nothing wrong, however, I was expecting things of him that, for right now for whatever reason, he wasn't going to do.

So I'm trying to live life like I was living before I moved to Redding, and before I even got this prophetic word (though I've yet to get my job back at Target, even though I've applied, but I've got other work I'm doing). I don't think this word was off at all, but I think my timing and judgement about things might have been off. And right now, I'm just in a season where I need to think about things differently.

Now I'm saying the same stuff over again though. Back to the subject.

This passion that I used to have, I want re-ignited. I'm still going after him, even though I don't always feel like it. I know it's not about feelings. However, I kind of think right now something is the norm that shouldn't be. God is not a boring God! He's an exciting God and full of opportunity, and always keeps his promises. So maybe it's something going on with me.

I think part of my problem is that I sold my synthesizer last year to help pay for things. I should never have done that. Music is a very important outlet for creative expression. Partly for worship, yes. But I've never exactly felt the call to be a worship leader. I think worship is a very important part of what I do, yes. But I've always had a heart for those who don't fit into the church, even those who don't fit into much of the spirit-filled church. The style I did was a mix of synthpop and industrial. So it was geared more towards whatever the kind of people who like synthpop are, and then more of the goths and rivetheads, just depending on the mood I was in when I made my music. And then some ravers got into my music too, even though it definitely was not rave music. I loved doing that, and I think it helped keep my relationship with God interesting. Now, it's lacking. So I think I'm getting to an important part of the problem.

So right now I'm working, and I'm going to trust God to provide me either with a new synth, or a MIDI controller and a new laptop with a working screen. I need to get back to the music God had me doing. It was an important key for me. The music wasn't for everyone. But certain people loved it, and I know God loved it. Music is an important part of my calling. I know that for a fact. So, let's see what God does! I am definitely going back to making music. Even for right now if it's just using LMMS (a Fruity-Loops-like program) and getting a cheap mic to record my vocals and doing it as kind of a studio project that's not even all that professional, I don't really care (by the way, I was getting pretty good at making recordings with unprofessional equipment). It will be a start in the right direction for me as far as that goes.

Now that I remember, music was an important part of my healing too, back in the day. Why wouldn't it be now?