Feelings

I've been having mixed feelings on some days a lot lately. Not every day. But yesterday, it was really bad.

To a certain extent, I'm excited about what God is doing in me.

To a certain extent, though, sometimes I feel inadequate. I'm searching for a better job. I'm thankful for what I've got but I know I could be getting paid more in my field and working full time. Except sometimes when I see job postings with so many skills I've not yet acquired, or I go in to try out for a position when they want me to do that and I end up not being the person they were looking for, or just when I don't get the job. Over time, this feeling of inadequacy has come in to my thoughts at times as far as job hunting goes.

I've also thought back at times over relationships with family and church and friends. I'm not sure I should go into too much details. But I took the steps needed to bring restoration in that area and it still seems like everything has fallen apart. Maybe things are ok between me and my pastor at my church still, but I really have no way of knowing since I don't hear from him anymore, and rarely hear from anyone else either. Without going into much detail, when I came back home, out of my confusion, I said some things that I shouldn't have said and it just didn't go over too well. I feel heartbroken, and some of it was because of my own mistakes.

It's so easy to get caught up in the negative emotions. It's been a fight. The truth is there's a lot of favor on my life. The enemy would use my circumstances to tell me there's not. But I know it's a lie. Things are not as they seem. The fact is that I do have favor and yes, without God I'm inadequate, but with him I'm more than adequate, and I'm more than a conquerer! I can't let the negative emotions get in my way. It's so easy to let them get in my way, but I just need to believe what God says about me. I'm choose not to be down. The past is the past. I've done what I can to clean up any messes I've made and I just need to trust God to do what I'm unable to do in that area. And maybe there are reasons I'm no longer in relationship with certain people who I thought I'd still be in relationship with. I don't have the big picture. God shows me a bigger picture sometimes to help me make sense of things, but I don't always need to make sense of things. This is one of those times where I'm not getting a bigger picture. Sometimes I just need to believe God, trust him, and not go by my feelings.

Feelings are a good thing. Don't get me wrong. But we can't be controlled by them. It's been hard for me, but I think I've been somewhat successful, if not 100% at it. I mean I know there were times I could have let my emotions lead me to my death. Well, I'm still alive!

I have favor. It doesn't matter how I feel from day to day. I just know the truth is I have favor.