Feelings

I've been having mixed feelings on some days a lot lately. Not every day. But yesterday, it was really bad.

To a certain extent, I'm excited about what God is doing in me.

To a certain extent, though, sometimes I feel inadequate. I'm searching for a better job. I'm thankful for what I've got but I know I could be getting paid more in my field and working full time. Except sometimes when I see job postings with so many skills I've not yet acquired, or I go in to try out for a position when they want me to do that and I end up not being the person they were looking for, or just when I don't get the job. Over time, this feeling of inadequacy has come in to my thoughts at times as far as job hunting goes.

I've also thought back at times over relationships with family and church and friends. I'm not sure I should go into too much details. But I took the steps needed to bring restoration in that area and it still seems like everything has fallen apart. Maybe things are ok between me and my pastor at my church still, but I really have no way of knowing since I don't hear from him anymore, and rarely hear from anyone else either. Without going into much detail, when I came back home, out of my confusion, I said some things that I shouldn't have said and it just didn't go over too well. I feel heartbroken, and some of it was because of my own mistakes.

It's so easy to get caught up in the negative emotions. It's been a fight. The truth is there's a lot of favor on my life. The enemy would use my circumstances to tell me there's not. But I know it's a lie. Things are not as they seem. The fact is that I do have favor and yes, without God I'm inadequate, but with him I'm more than adequate, and I'm more than a conquerer! I can't let the negative emotions get in my way. It's so easy to let them get in my way, but I just need to believe what God says about me. I'm choose not to be down. The past is the past. I've done what I can to clean up any messes I've made and I just need to trust God to do what I'm unable to do in that area. And maybe there are reasons I'm no longer in relationship with certain people who I thought I'd still be in relationship with. I don't have the big picture. God shows me a bigger picture sometimes to help me make sense of things, but I don't always need to make sense of things. This is one of those times where I'm not getting a bigger picture. Sometimes I just need to believe God, trust him, and not go by my feelings.

Feelings are a good thing. Don't get me wrong. But we can't be controlled by them. It's been hard for me, but I think I've been somewhat successful, if not 100% at it. I mean I know there were times I could have let my emotions lead me to my death. Well, I'm still alive!

I have favor. It doesn't matter how I feel from day to day. I just know the truth is I have favor.

A new update

At this time, I think I should update you all on what has been going on in my life. And seeing how it's been since May since my last update, I figured it's time.

I'm still in San Diego County, and there are no immediate plans to go anywhere else. I had been going to The Awakening for church, as mentioned in my last post. However, I found I wasn't connecting like I had hoped. A few weeks ago I visited Glory Mountain Fellowship and I pretty much instantly plugged in. It was great. The Awakening is a great church, but I know I need to be in a place where I have no problem connecting with the people. For whatever reason, I had trouble connecting at The Awakening. It's not anyone's fault at The Awakening, it's just not meant to be between me and them.

There have been family issues. My brother started some stuff and also because of my stance against freemasonry, my family just has some major issues with me. It's a long story but pretty much I'm no longer in the "Cagle family". My last name is still Cagle. It crossed my mind to have it legally changed at some point but I haven't really decided yet. I hold no grudge against my family and would love to be in relationship with them, but I also want to see them come out of freemasonry and into a relationship with the real Jesus Christ. I believe family is very important. They've essentially chosen to no longer be in relationship with me because of their commitment to the Masons.

I have purchased my own cell phone plan and my own cell phone. This was the last shred of dependence on my family I had left, and I'm free from that now.

I'm still praying about where to go to ministry school in the future. I don't know if I want to do BSSM again. Part of me really wants to, but then part of me wants to look into other options too. The Awakening's School of Activation? Maybe if I can stay at Glory Mountain for my home church. But if Glory Mountain starts up a ministry school, especially if it's a school based on Bethel's curriculum, that's where I'm going most likely.

It's been said by some of my "friends" that I made a crazy decision in coming back to California. Yeah, I guess I was pretty crazy to leave Virginia, where my life was pretty much controlled by a "minister" and businessman who was pretty paranoid about everything and motivated by fear. Yeah, I should have stayed there. Instead, I broke free from there, moved back to California, and found a job within two weeks of coming out there, and the housing situation worked out. Yeah, doesn't sound like I should have come out here. Not at all. Because everything is working out. Yeah, who would want things to actually work out? Oh wait, things working out is is a good thing!

At peace about where I'm at.

Through the difficulty that I ran into here during my short time here in San Diego, there's just a peace about being here. I do have a job now, and I thank God for that. Quite frankly I'm not working enough hours to provide all my needs, really. But I am confident that God will make up for where my work is lacking in providing for me. After all, God is my provider anyway.

I was totally wanting to complete school at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I was devastated when I found out I wasn't accepted to get back in, even though there was someone willing to pay my tuition for me. I prayed about it, and definitely felt San Diego County was the place to be. Within two weeks of coming to the area I find a job. I'm still looking for a second job, so I'm believing God will work something out there or provide some other way.

Being back at home in North Carolina for one month, I knew I wasn't really supposed to be there. I was welcomed home by my church and everything, but something just wasn't right for me. And it's nothing against my church. Nothing against my family either, though I did go through a rough time with them. Nothing against my friends. Looking back, I honestly think most of them did what they could to help me feel welcome under the circumstances I was in. Though I quickly ran into difficult times there, and there wasn't much they could do. Even if there was something they could do, there would remain this feeling that this isn't the right place.

So I find a little work up in Virginia. Well I had a place to stay there for the time I was doing the work and someone took care of the rent for me. But I really wasn't able to save any money to get back to where I knew I needed to be, in California. On top of that, there were tons of people with a heavy religious spirit on them that didn't even recognise how religious they actually were. I mean one lady was talking about how Star Wars was demonic and we shouldn't watch it. Oh, being the Star Wars fan that I am, I had to just ignore her. There was quite a bit of legalism too. I never really found a spiritual father that I needed either. Yes, one person was really trying, I think, but I didn't find a real spiritual father that's a good fit for me, that totally saw what was on my heart like Padre Matt did at New Beginnings/New Bethel in North Carolina.

I was given $250, not realistically enough to even make it here. I got to San Diego County and had $80 left. You know that went fast. But God is providing.

Now keep in mind, I don't believe I'm totally where I need to be as far as finances and provision goes yet. I'm still barely getting by, and I had to work out a payment plan for my rent. But I found a part time job within two weeks, doing web site design too. It might not be full time, but it's better than nothing. And one more part time job and I should be ok. I want to work with this company for a decent amount of time before I move on to something bigger and better. But now that I've got my foot in the door, bigger and better things are coming.

I'm considering going to the School of Activation at The Awakening, the church I've been attending. But I'm going to wait until I'm a bit more stable financially to go there.

I don't know how many people there are that are truly supporting me. And I'm not just speaking about finances, but just whether they're cool with the move I made to come back to California, but a different part. I'm not really concerned about that either. I did want the support of a spiritual father at least, but I no longer really had that either. I was in a position where I just had to make the decision. I don't regret this decision at all. Even if I were to be homeless for a time (and thank God I'm not) I would not have regretted this decision. I'm not going to lie. I was threatened with homelessness. All sorts of crazy stuff went through my mind then. Thoughts of just giving up on life even came to me, as I had nowhere else to go where I truly felt welcome and at peace. But no! God reminded me I needed to stand my ground! Even if I was homeless temporarily I would find work. Homelessness would only be a temporary state, and definitely not the position that God has destined for me to be in. But God took care of things where I wouldn't even have to be homeless, even temporarily.

Having the support of others can be good. But when others stop supporting you for whatever their reasons, are you still going to obey the voice of the Holy Spirit when you hear it? People will let you down, but God won't. Though there are times I did feel let down by God, especially while I was in Redding, but ultimately it was because I didn't know what God was doing during that time. God was having me try to push a thousand pound boulder, knowing that I wouldn't succeed (or at least succeed the way I thought was success, in all reality I did succeed in what God had for me) so I could be strengthened enough to move the 500 pound boulder in the next place he really had for me, which is here in San Diego County. It's still not easy, but I am making progress.

I am still in need of a spiritual father here in this area. Hopefully I'll find a good one at The Awakening. Quite frankly there are wounds that do need to be healed too. I admit that. And I was never able to set up the Sozo appointment with y church back in North Carolina. We went back and forth talking about setting up an appointment via Skype, but for whatever reason it never got set up. I did what I could, though. Something will work out here instead. So I am still pursuing inner healing.

As I mentioned, finances are still difficult at the moment. If you want to give, paypal is probably the easiest way. joey.cagle@gmail.com is the address to send it to. If you have no paypal, you can stop by Wal Mart, CVS, Kroger, Rite Aid, and various other stores and get a green dot moneypak. You have to put a minimum of $20 on it because that's the way it works, and the moneypack is $4.95, and you can scratch off the back and send the number to me, and I'm able to put it right in my Paypal account. Those are a couple of ways you can give if you're wanting to. Keep in mind, I am searching for a second job, and I have a job already, as mentioned. Some of you might try to tell me to get a job, and wouldn't you know I have one and I'm looking for one more. This is only a temporary situation I'm in now and I'm working my way out, with God's help. Even if no one gave, I'm overcoming this situation and getting into better situations.

Update, in SD County, new job, etc

Well I made my move to San Diego County. I'm living in San Marcos now. I was in Escondido temporarily but I didn't have peace about the place I was staying at.

Last Monday I had an interview and was hired, and I start tomorrow as a graphic designer/Ebay office assistant with auctionexpress.com in Escondido.

I'm looking for one more job, as this is just part time and I'm still needing more income. But this is better than nothing.

It seems there are a few people willing to help out, and if you're lead to help out financially, you can always paypal joey.cagle@gmail.com.

Things are looking up. Hopefully I'll have a second job soon. I was pleased with how fast I found the first one, especially with the way the economy is right now. God is good though, and since I've been here I can just tell I have more favor here. It's great!

Update, airplane ticket cost as of this time

So as of this time, if I do Southwest Airlines (my prefered airline) it's only $220 after the taxes and fees to get from here to San Diego. Just praying for it to come in.

I wonder why, and the future

I wonder why some people want to treat others like a child, like they know nothing. I wonder why some people want to come into the place of being a mentor to someone, without truly knowing the person or without the person's permission. I wonder why people want to put themselves of spiritual father over people who do not need or want them as a spiritual father. I wonder why people want to direct a person's life when a person may have a direction already.

I'm not against spiritual fathers. I'm not against speaking destiny into someone's life. But sometimes this can be used to control people too. I feel like some of that has gone on. Some of the things on my heart are being totally overlooked, and I feel like I'm getting sidetracked and pulled from the things I know I need to do and into the things someone else thinks I need to do. And the funny thing is this person who is distracting me is the very same person that says I shouldn't get distracted. What's up with that?

Thanks for the help, but I've already got a direction. Thanks for the help, but I'm already making progress and you're kind of holding me back. Thank you, but no thanks.

So I'm heading back to southern California, likely San Diego this time. It looks like doors are opening up there and there's a Bethel Church plant I'd like to attend. I was told they have a ministry school based on Bethel's school but they have no information on their web site. Regardless, I can find something to further my training. I went to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I didn't complete it, but I went. There's other options, and I'm pretty much over Bethel now.

I've been sending my resumes out to places in San Diego, and even got a call from a Target store the other day that was wanting to know when I'd be in town.

I have picked April 25th to be the date I get back in town. I'm trying to contact the San Diego Dream Center for a temporary place to stay, and now I just need help to get there. An airplane ticket, a ride, whatever. I'm just going to find a way to get there.

Been sucked dry, need refreshing.

Sometime in 2006, I was pretty much set on fire for God! Not that I wasn't ever on fire for him before, but I just became absolutely more radical than I ever had been before. I was full of life and very enthusiastic!

2007 - still on fire, still very radical.

2008 - still on fire, still very radical, most of the year.

Towards the end of the year, I had to drop out of my first year of Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry.  The financial support I had previously had stopped coming in, and the job search in Redding was not very fruitful.

March of 2009 I had a job. April of 2009 I lost my job. And so go my hopes for going back to BSSM in the fall of 2009.

I went down to Hope for Homeless Youth at the LA Dream Center for two months. Then I decided to go back up to Redding and start searching for a job again.

Somewhere in all of this, I just lost the fire and the enthusiasm I had.

I have had brief moments. But something just isn't right. This isn't me. This isn't who God created me to be. A lot of the life I had had been sucked out of me.

I'm still trying to stay positive about things and believing, but it's honestly been harder to do that.

I'm going to be moving to San Diego, California sometime this month. I've been here in Chesapeake, Virginia doing some work, but it hasn't been what I thought it would be. I wanted a job that was actually paying a decent amount of money. Well instead I get a place to stay and some stuff. That's good and all, except I have student loans to pay for and other things as well. That's being neglected.

Also I've been pulled into this ministry that I never felt I was supposed to be part of. I even told the guy I'm working for that, but still got caught up in it anyway. I'm looking forward to getting out of it. On top of that, while living here, I feel like he's trying to control aspects of my life that I don't need him to control. I don't think it's his intention, but I definitely feel that way.

I have been part of an amazing church when I've had the opportunity to go, New Life Western Branch. I totally love them. If I were to stay in the area, that's where I'd want fellowship at.

Still, I just feel like I've been sucked dry. I wonder how I ever got myself into this situation.  But I know God is faithful. I know there are better things coming.

I am needing a time of refreshing. I haven't really gotten that lately. Yes, I've had plenty of time to rest in his presence, get in the word, and everything. There's still something missing as of late, and it's irritating.

I want to be in a place that's not going to suck me dry. I've been in that place before. And that doesn't mean I'm not working. In fact I was working and going to school back in 2006. I was able to get that refreshing regardless of what responsibilities I had.

Going back home isn't a great option for me anymore. I tried that and it didn't end up so well. I won't get into the details. I still love my family. I've moved on, though. I need to be out. Either I've changed too much for them or they've changed too much for me, or maybe both. I've got doors opening in San Diego, I just need to get out there.  I want a decent job and not some kind of deal where I'm working, given a free place to stay and free food but having my life pretty much controlled. I don't like that. And that's what I've pretty much got right now.

In the process, though, it's not just work I want. I need a time of refreshing and I need God to do something new in me. I need to be in a place where I can truly receive from him again.

Anyway I'll post more on this later. This is a good stopping point for now.

BSSM. Am I going?

Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. It's where I felt called to. I had a prophetic word that I honestly felt confirm it. It was actually a suggestion from this prophetic person, but I actually felt it was the type of suggestion when my parents suggest I clean my room. I especially felt this way since it was a couple of days after my pastor suggested the same thing.

I went. I ended up having to drop out half way through first year.

I wouldn't let it go. I ended up having to leave Redding, California, but still had it on my heart.

I re-applied earlier in the new year.

This week I got a letter saying that right now they feel I'm better suited for Bethel School of Supernatural Discipleship at this time. Basically, it was a nice way of telling me I'm not in.

I felt they had a wrong evaluation of my current situation. Mark Brookes told me to get in touch with my previous revival group pastor to talk about it and then they'll take another look at the application.

I wrote my revival group pastor. But both her and her husband were out on missio trips this week. They should be back next week.

But increasingly, I've had Southern California on my mind. Maybe it's God.

The economy isn't good anywhere in California. But it's where I believe God is calling me. But if you absolutely need a job, there's two places where you absolutely do not want to go, Fresno and Redding.

San Diego has been on my mind lately. There's another ministry school I am looking into there. It has a lot of the same things Bethel has anyway. It's just smaller.

San Diego is an expensive place to live. However, jobs are much more available than they are in Redding.

At this point, I could find out that I'm back in BSSM after they review everything again. But I'm not going to count on it. I am going to count on God! I definitely believe in having faith! But I also believe there's wisdom too. I took the risk (twice, actually) in going to Redding. San Diego, being a place where it's more expensive to live, is a big risk too. I could choose to go to Redding and try to look for a job, but from my experience over the two years I was there, at least for me, it probably won't happen so easily.

I could go to San Diego. I may have to couch surf for a little bit. But I can find a job. Yes, it's a risk, but I think it's the better risk and at this point I believe it's way more worth taking than going back to Redding.

As far as the work I'm doing, well after talking with the person I'm working for this week, there's no real guarantee that I'll have enough work coming in. That was kind of a downer compared to my previous talks with him. He said I would definitely need to find another job and not rely on the work I'm currently doing when I go back to Redding. Well I've been through the Redding job search before. It's incredibly difficult to find one and then once you've got it, it's incredibly difficult to keep it. I've known so many people who lost their jobs and over silly sounding reasons too, just because the economy has never been that great there. They look for reasons to get rid of you.

I have no experience in San Diego. But I do know it's way more prosperous. There's far more jobs that are right up my alley.

I think after weighing my options, San Diego is the better option for me at this time.

Updates...

So I've been doing work in Chesapeake, Virginia.

I plan on being back in California in the middle of April at this time. So that's good.

I had the interview (or the rest of it) last week. However, there seems to be some doubt from the interviewer about my finances. I'm believing I'll get in anyway.

I do believe i need to go back to California, and I believe I also need to move forward into my equipping for ministry.

But now I believe the Holy Spirit is telling me not to limit it to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry any more. I've realised that being at Bethel has made me aware of other places as well that I could go to. It also got me to where I need to be. My doubt at one point got me out of there. But I can't limit myself to Bethel any more. So I am looking at other options in California. Assuming I get back into school, that's great. I know I'll have the finances. The guy I'm working for is going to be bringing me plenty of work as far as that goes. I guess that's just hard for some people to believe.

It's time to move forward. It may not look like I thought it was going to, but that's ok.

If Bethel doesn't work out, other schools I'm going to try are Potters House School of Supernatural Ministry, Kingdom Training School of Supernatural Ministry, Activation Training Center (do I have that name right) at Awakening in Carlsbad/San Diego, and maybe So-Cal School of the Supernatural.

I'm believing, however, that I will have favor for BSSM and I will get in. So for now, the others are on hold for Bethel. It's taking longer to receive the acceptance letter than it did the time I went there before. I think part of that is because there's a prophetic conference going on at Bethel this week. So I'll have to wait longer than normal.

Back to working here in Chesapeake. Quite frankly, the work has caused me to be in a circle of Christians that I honestly don't feel I mesh well with. I can't agree with a lot of things said and done because of my convictions and the revelation I've had. And it's hard for me to minister like I believe God wants me to. But I feel this is a growing time too. We need to learn to be in unity with other believers. We're not going to agree on everything. That's fine. Yes, there are certain mindsets here that I feel would hinder me, and people expect me to have those mindsets. But I don't have to take on those mindsets.  I am unique. I am becoming who God made me to be and not who man wants me to be.

As far as the relationship with my church back in North Carolina goes, I really don't know. When I'm with them I definitely know that they still love me. I guess maybe some people feel they can't trust me, for various reasons, to meet the goal that they sent me out to complete though. If that's the case, they're putting their trust in the wrong person anyway. It's God they need to trust in. OK, that's one possibility. Maybe it's something else. Maybe God is wanting me to end that close relationship that I've had with the people at my church. It's really hard to tell. I do know that I've said some things that have been hurtful in the past. No, they haven't all read it. But I know Matt has, and possibly others. It was out of frustration, total misunderstanding, and a lack of trust. They're not in the position now that they were in a couple of years ago when they first sent me out to Redding. Things have changed. They're not really even the same church any more for a good part. Yes they have some of the same core people but they're different now. And I trust that it's for the best. I still send Matt updates but I don't expect a response and I don't feel the relationship is what it used to be. I wanted to make things right. I've done what I could and it's time to move on. God bless them. They are still an amazing group of believers.

Moving on...it's time to go into the future. I don't update my blogs much lately. I'll keep it updated from time to time, but I don't know how often.

It's been a while, and the Apple iPad

Hi. It's been a while since I've updated my blog.

So in the work I'm doing, I will be able to make my move back to Redding, California soon. Praise God for that!

I've been interested in the Apple iPad which will be released soon.

Apple obviously did not mean for this to be a full computing environment. However, if one jailbreaks this, it could be. I did read that there's a possibility for multitasking in the iPhone OS updates in the future, but it's not possible right now.

I wish they had just put a full Mac OS X on it, honestly. But I really like this. It will make a great tablet computer. The video playback looks amazing, and surfing the web is very easy on it. The additional keyboard you can add on to it makes it work more like a laptop computer.

Now if I can only download and run GIMP and Inkscape on this thing, that would be sweet! I'm not totally sure about this iPhone OS on the iPad, but I know more recent versions of it have come with the X11 environment, but once again, you must jailbreak it to use it if I understand correctly.

Be careful of those who say "Be careful"

Be careful of those who tell you to be careful!

First of all, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. And to friends who don't celebrate Christmas, well have a happy day and we'll argue about it later.

Frequently, I when it comes to the supernatural gifts of the spirit, I hear people say "BE CAREFUL". In fact I was just recently having a chat with a friend of mine who is an evangelist, and he told me the same thing regarding believing for raising the dead. He told me this "make sure you're doing it relying on God".

He had good intentions. First of all, my problem is with the way he was looking at it. If Satan had empowered me to raise the dead, and people thank Jesus for it, then what good is it doing? I have a relationship with Jesus. I have authority over Satan, and quite frankly, Satan doesn't like me one bit. Satan would have no reason to empower me, because people are praising Jesus if I do these things anyway.

No, most often, the "be careful" thing stems from this:

Matthew 7:21 – 23
"“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’"

My friends, there are people out there who are preforming miracles in his name who have no relationship with Christ. But what has happened with this verse, I think, is that an assumption has been made by the religious that if someone is doing miracles, prophesying, etc, you should assume that they don't have relationship with God.

This is definitely not the case, as Jesus commanded his people to go into the world, heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons, etc.

What's the difference between these two? The ones who are doing miracles and God says "depart from me" to have no relationship. They lack the intimacy with God.

The religious of today have made the assumption that anyone who works in the supernatural is of this category of people that God will say to depart from him. Many of them have had good intentions, but they're wrong. And even those who do believe in the supernatural today, will often times with good intentions, but wrongly, tell people to BE CAREFUL.

How can we judge this? By the fruit! And the meetings or whatever is going on may even look crazy and offend people. But if there's fruit of the spirit, it's definitely of God. If there's joy, peace, righteousness, etc coming out of it, I have no problem with it. And that's not to say these people won't mess up. We need to be careful not to put men of God on a pedastal, because they will fall.

I had no problem with the Lakeland revival or Todd Bentley as a person. I supported him through the revival and I support him through his restoration. However, the revival in Lakeland was not about Todd, it was about Jesus. God could have used any person there. I think we make a mistake when we put people on a pedastal, and when they fall we tend to attack the person and say that the revival was not of God.

And people think "BE CAREFUL" even more so.

I say "BE CAREFUL of those who say 'BE CAREFUL.'" There's potential for them to not have grace. When someone falls, are they empowering the person who fell to come back into right standing? Or are they putting the person down and not allowing them to come back to God?

I say "BE CAREFUL of those who say 'BE CAREFUL.'" Some of these peolpe limit God anyway, and put limits on God where the Word doesn't put limits on him, and use fallen teachers (who were probably good otherwise, but they were human and just as likely to mess up as any of us) as an example of why something isn't of God.

I say "BE CAREFUL of those who say 'BE CAREFUL.'" Some people tell you "All things must be done in decency and in order" as yes, the Bible says, however they don't realize that all things must be done first befor you can have the order. Order, when given the wrong priority, will limit God.

I also say "HONOR THOSE who say 'BE CAREFUL.'" Many of them have a pastor's heart to protect the flock and they have very good intentions. They are just deceived about some things. They may have more faith in Satan's power to deceive you than God's power to keep you. For their heart and wanting to do the right thing, even if they're ultimately wrong about something, honor them.

We all need to learn to hear from the Holy Spirit ourselves on these matters. The Holy Spirit is our teacher. Yes, he uses man to teach us too, but ultimately, Holy Spirit is our teacher.

Here's a standard I use to "BE CAREFUL". It's not the only standard, but it's a big one for me, and very biblical:

2 Corinthians 3:17 (New International Version)
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

When you hear someone teach a message, give a word, etc, do you experience freedom? Are you free to grow? Are you free to move in the power that Jesus said you would move in? Are you free to do the impossible? Are you free from things that hendered you? Do you sense that in the message they gave?

Or are you in bondage to rules? In bondage to things holding you back?

And I say "BE CAREFUL of false freedoms". A false teacher might teach these. Let's use this example: A teacher might say that it's ok to go out and have sex with as many people as you want.

To a carnal mind, it might sound like freedom. But to those who are spiritual, you know it's not because you know it brings about emotional soul-ties that are painful to break. On top of that, if you're not married, you end up losing the trophy of virginity that God has given you.

So that's an example of what I call a false freedom.

I think I've given you some keys on how to truly be careful. And be careful of those who say to be careful, because even with good intentions, they can cause you to limit how God works.

False teachers are the ones who will put you in bondage. And a false teacher is not necessarily someone like Todd Bentley, I think, who by the way admitted what he did was wrong, and I know he would never teach people to do what he did. He is being restored, and I really don't like having to bring this up, because he is forgiven and God remembers it no longer.

Real teachers might be wrong sometiems, but they are the ones who will bring you into freedom.

The ones who do great things...

The ones who do great things are the ones who keep going at the point where others give up.

Those who read my blog regularly know that I definitely haven't given up on Redding and Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. Sidetracked, yes. Having my own flaws get in the way, one being this constant struggle I've had with fear, yes.

And people might even tell me "you need to put this desire at the cross" and kill it. Well I've done that how many times and God has given it back to me how many times? I think God is tired of me killing it at this point.

I left Redding, not with the intention of giving up. I knew that I had to go back at some point. The intention was to re-evaluate, find work, connect with people, and then be sent back out.

Now most people probably would have given up at the point I was at. I'm sure in my family, and among many other people, if they had gotten to the point I had gotten to in Redding, they would say "Forget this" and "Why put myself through this when I've got a comfortable place to stay where I can always go back to?" But the fact is, that comfortable place to stay is a comfort zone we need to get out of, and though we might think it'll always be there forever, it won't.

The people who do great things are the ones who step out of their comfort zone.

Was it comfortable for the Wright Brothers to get off the ground and try flying, and crash time after time again? After their first successful flight, they even crashed on the flight after that! Yet where would we be in aviation without them today?

For great guitar legends like Jimmi Hendrix, what if he had stopped when his fingers were hurting when he was learning to play guitar? What if other greats had done the same thing? In fact I'm learning to play guitar right now, and my fingers have stopped hurting, but the chords still aren't exactly comfortable for me yet.

Doctors, hoping to find cures to diseases, fail time and time again. Often times they may look like fools to others with the ideas they have. They take great risks, but they they keep trying in order to save lives. And each time they try, they learn something. They don't let the discomfort and the discouragement stop them from finding that cure.

I'm only back in my comfort zone, the southeast, temporarily with no intention on staying in it. Yes, it's a "safe place" for a little while, but I can't stay here. I won't stay here.

God has spoken to me about this already, through more than one prophetic word. I know people continue asking me questions, and they probably will continue to. At some point though, you'll have to stop taking it up with me and take it up with God. Why? Because I'll get tired of repeating myself and I'll have other things I've got to get done. I can't continue answering the questions, especially questions of those who doubt. And I can't let that doubt get into my life.

I'm breaking out of the culture of fear that I've grown up in. I'm not talking about fear of God, but fear of man and fear of what will happen to me in my future. I have to break out of it. Fear is the opposite of faith, and when I'm in both cultures, when I'm influenced both by a spirit of fear and a spirit of faith, I become double minded. I cannot make clear decisions with both in operation. And I know that a fear based decision is definitely the wrong one. So I must have faith. I choose to operate in faith, not in fear. And I know some will question me, as I've said.

As far as a plan goes, yes, I am working on a plan. It's not fully developed yet. And some will try to say there was a lack of a plan the last time. The fact was there was a plan the last time. I sat down with Matt at New Beginnings Church (now New Bethel Church) and we made out a plan. Maybe it wasn't the best plan, but it was still a good one and I'm the one who messed that up. I admit that. But I can't allow that mess-up to keep me from walking in the potential that God has for me. Now I would like for them to back me in this. I hope I still have a good enough relationship with them. Even if I don't, I have moved on and I'm building relationships with other people who will back me. And I'm finding web site design work that I could eventually do telecommuting from Redding.

The ones who do great things, when they fail, they'll recognize where they failed and make changes accordingly if they need to, but they'll try again.

There's an old saying "If you don't succeed at first, try, try again". I believe this to be very true. And my friends, I will succeed. I can't guaruntee there will be no more faliures. In a recent home fellowship meeting, one of the people said "Every person I know who succeeded had to fail first."

The ones who do great things are not afraid of failure.

Ignored/how many times do I have to apologize?

So I feel like I've been ignored for the most part by my church back in Clayton, NC. I'm not mad at them. I'm the one who hurt that relationship. I want to fix it. I've apologized, and I've also agreed to get inner healing, which I've been doing. However, other than the person who's doing the sozo, I'm finding that I'm pretty much ignored.

I'm living in Chesapeake, Virginia now, so I'm not even able to make it to that church anymore. But I still want the relationship with that church.

Maybe I should just let it go. But it's hard to let go when they totally feel like family. I will be back in the area for Christmas and will try to get out to church at least one time.

I want to see this restored. It doesn't sit well in me that it's not restored.

Why I still believe I must eventually go back to Redding...

The following is a prophetic word, one of several which confirmed to me back in 2006 that I needed to be at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I did not complete the first year, and I feel the Holy Spirit says things are not complete. Some of you may not have seen this word that was given to me, and others of you may have. Yes, I know sometimes prophetic words don't come to pass for various reasons from time to time. I don't think this is the case for this prophetic word and I believe it will still come to completion. And I believe if God told me to go to this, he intended for me to complete it and be fully equipped. I won't give up on this, my friends.

Prophetic word from Ivan Allum December 14, 2006

Ivan Allum: Lord, father, I thank you for Joey, Lord, the heart and

the passion of this young fellow, Lord, the stirring that flows from

him, Lord, the passion that you have birthed in this young man. You

know, Joey I see all around you, I see a wonderful heart, I see a

wonderful passion, I see a young man who has just cried out, saying

"God, I want more, I want more, I want more, I want more, I want

more". You know Joey, I'm gonna help you out here. You know, I see

what this is like, you know you've been in this place, it's just like

spinning the bottle saying "Lord, where do I go, what do I do? Lord,

how do I get to the next place?" You know, Joey, there's a call of

ministry on your life. You've known that. You have felt that inside

you and you say "God, I don't know what to do next." Joey, I've got a

number of things for you. FIrst of all, you need to go to a school of

ministry. You know, I want to suggest Bill Johnson's school. You

know, you have been crying out saying "God, I don't know where to go"

You know, Joey, I need to tell you, you know what, the Lord says "I

want to provide finances, but" the Lord says "son, you've got to

ask." You know, not just the Lord, the Lord says you've gotta start

going around and you've got to say "Hey God, I'm gonna be accountable

to my finances, I've got to talk to somebody that's going to help me

get my finances together, but then I'm also gonna go to my church,

and I'm going to ask them 'Hey, would you be willing to write me a

letter to say Hey, could you help me, could somebody be willing to

sponsor me for a year, would somebody want to sponsor me with 50 bucks

a month." You know, Joey, I just see all around you that there's

desire, there's call on your life, the lord is saying "I want to birth

these things out of you, but there's been fear of rejection around

you, there's been a fear of stepping forward, there's been a fear of

"God, I don't know what to do'" and I see all around you, Joey, that

the Lord says "You know, son, I've got to pull a number of things

together, and you've got to pull some too. Number one, son, you've

got to become a good steward of your finances, you've got to become a

steward that is putting stuff away, you've got be be, you know,

banking it in". Son, I don't tell everybody this word, ok, I don't

tell them how to do, but I'm just sharing with you what God is saying,

God is saying "Son, I know that you want to go, I know that you're

willing, and I know that you have desire." The Lord says " Son, if

you're going to get other people involved" because you know the Lord

wants to bless you, but the Lord says "if you want to get other people

involved, you've got to show them that you're going to be a steward of

what's God's. Amen? Son, I see all around you, I see music all over

you, you know, I saw you playing the guitar, and, you know, I'm a firm

believer that God has anointing and you know, somebody's going to

pick them up. You know, and a lot of times the world picks up God's

anointing in music, you know Jimmy Hendrix was one of those guys, ya

know, he'd play guitar with his teeth, and you know, that wasn't his

anointing, that was an anointing that was put out there for the

worshippers of God and you know, son, I see that anointing over you,

and the Lord said "Will you pick it up?" It doesn't matter how bad

you suck or how good you are. The Lord says "it's a matter of the

heart and what you will put into it" and the Lord says "Son, you know,

I want to raise up that worshipper out of you. I want to raise up

that young man that's going to allow the Lord to sing through his

instrument." You know, I know this young fellow and he plays electric

guitar and when he's playing in his own ability, eh, it' s not so bad,

alright, but when the spirit of the Lord flows on him, man, Hendrix

himself couldn't keep up. It's absolutely amazing! And I've heard

God sing out of his instrument, and the Lord says "son, I want to draw

that out of you, I want to draw passion out of you, I want to draw

that heart of worship that flows from you,, okay? And I don't know if

you play yet or not..."

Joey: I play synthesizer...

Ivan: Ok, well that might be your instrument

Joey: I've been wanting to learn guitar

Ivan: I want you to know this, it doesn't matter if it's guitar or

synthesizer, the Lord says "pick up your instrument, son, and call

down the heavens. Allow what flows in to flow out." Son, I see all

around you, the Lord saying "Press in, start making the steps to go

into the next level." Okay? How old are you, 19? 20?

Joey: I'm 26

Ivan: OK, the Lord says "son, it's time to start moving forward now,

alright? Get the finances in order, start selling off stuff, whatever

it costs. It's going to cost you something. " Alright? I know you've

been there and you've been floundering around like a fish in a boat

that just got pulled out of the water and saying "God, where do I go?

I don't want to go back there, but this isn't good either." The Lord

says "son, I want to start raising you up." Okay? I've given you a pretty

direct word, you know, and I usually hold those off, alright? So,

keep pressing in, alright?

So I will be back in Redding by July. No ifs, ands, or buts. Thats what I've decided.

Things are a little too serious here, and long term plan to get back to Redding

I just got out of spending a minute or two in Heaven with Jesus. It's been a while since I've done that, and need to do it more. Ah, love those moments. Now I'm not saying I haven't talked to Jesus in a while, but it's been a while since I've actually gone to Heaven. I need to start doing that more. But I was interrupted here on Earth by someone I'm staying with. I'll have to go back later.

OK, in other news, It has been a good week in Virginia so far. At the same time, I have sensed two evil spirits, the religious spirit and the political spirit, mixing together. It's something I knew about before I came here, but now being here it's easy to be overwhelmed.

I will not let it overwhelm me. That doesn't mean I won't have my moments where it is really bothering me. It was bothering me yesterday. But I won't let it stop me.

At least I'm in a position that I wasn't in at the Dream Center where it's easy for me to take time and spend with God and to go to Heaven, and pull things from Heaven down to Earth. I really need to do that in this season. The main reason I need to do this regularly in this season (though I want to do this regularly in other seasons too) is because of this mix of the religious spirit and political spirit. It has formed a culture that is overly serious. I understand there are serious issues, but there is a lack of joy here. Well I want to bring that joy.

The week or two before I left Redding, I fell into depression and just lost the joy I had. I guess it crept back in because all the confusion I was going through. So I was back in North Carolina, still in this depression and confusion. I was operating out of that, not meaning to.

I'm doing better now. Somehow I've been able to get over that depression and started regaining my joy. There is a bit more clarity. But this overly serious culture here is something I want to destroy. It's not doing me any good, nor is it doing the other people here any good. So I just ask you to pray for me as far as that goes.

I'm going to assess where I'm at once a month as far as if I can get back to Redding. I'm going to look at my finances and where I'm at spiritually. I believe I'll be back in Redding by July 2010. I will probably go ahead and apply for first year BSSM when I get paid. For those who don't know, yes I was in BSSM for first year before but unable to complete it due to finances.

OK, so I'm bringing the joy here, working, and working on the long term plan to get back to Redding. Be blessed, everyone!

In Virginia

So I'm in Chesapeake, Virginia now.

I'm staying with some great people, a Filipino couple and a couple of other spirit filled Christians.

I participated in a home fellowship and felt very much at home tonight. It was great. There was an amazing time of worship, intercession, and prophecy (I even got to give a prophetic word for the body there).

I'm quickly finding this to be a great place for me to be held right now until I am released to go back to California, and a great place to receive healing.

I'm starting to make some new friends here. I am thinking about maybe going to Harvest Assembly this Sunday if I can find a ride. We'll see. The home fellowship, as I said, was great. There were only about three people my age their though and I want to see if I can find a few more. Harvest Assembly seems to be somewhat connected with Bethel too, which is the stream I'm really in anyway. So we'll see what happens with that.

So it's obvious this is only temporary, more so than I thought. This eagle is flying out of the chicken coup.

So I've been back almost a month.

I was back and in need of help.

The only ones who have been of any help to me since I've been back have been my parents, albeit begrudgingly, and my brother and his wife.

I needed a ride for church. I only had that one Sunday the whole time I've been here. I needed a ride to apply for jobs at places where the application isn't available on line yet. That never happened. I needed to be closer to Raleigh where I could catch the CAT bus to do job searching. Again, nothing worked out there. What I originally had planned for that totally went wrong due to finding out I had to leave Redding earlier than when I originally planned.

Others are not able to or don't want to help. I know some just can't. Others, however, can help.

Over the weekend, I was concerned that I might need to move out of my parents house (I never intended to stay there permanently anyway) because of a situation that was going on. Fortunately, things did not work out as I expected (a good thing this time around, as normally when things don't work out as I expected it's generally been an upset) and it's all ok. However, I called pretty much all the pastors of my church to get help. I was only able to get in touch with one of them. I've yet to hear back about a place to stay, or "sorry, couldn't come up with anything", or anything. Granted, Thanksgiving is coming up and everyone is heading out of town. I only needed to be there for one week anyway. But no help as of yet. So two thoughts are going through my mind. "They just weren't able to work anything out" and "They don't care about me, they're tired of helping me out".

I know a lot of people probably are tired of helping me. I'm sorry I've drained them all (probably mostly while I was living in Redding, California). I definitely didn't mean to.

But fortunately I have a job and I'm moving up to Virginia now. I'll be in a better position. :-)

I'm leaving the Raleigh area behind. I know I've been a drain on what friends I do have there. I went about some things the wrong way. I'm sure many of them forgive me. I'm not sure how many truly forgive me, but I'm sure just about all of them will say they do. But whether they forgive me or not, they're still totally drained.

On top of that, I know I mentioned I find I make better friends in other places compared to Raleigh. That has always been the case for me, even before I moved to California, and before I became a drain on my friends in North Carolina. What can I say? It's an observation I've made. I've got great friends in Redding, Clear Lake, CA, Los Angeles, Portland, Seattle, some towns in Michigan, other towns in Texas, etc etc. (OK, haven't been to Portland, Seattle, Michigan, or Texas yet but the people I've met from those places and others I've been able to be great friends with) I've always had trouble with friendships in the Raleigh area, and the only reason why I think that is is even biblical. A prophet is not welcome in his home.

OK, for a little while before I moved to Redding, California, certain people in this area loved me, especially those at my church or other friends I've made in the spirit-filled Christian community! Maybe it was because I received this prophetic word that pretty much confirmed I was supposed to go to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. They helped me out to get there to Redding! They even helped me well on into it for a while. I don't deny that. But it fell apart last year, and now I'm back where I started. Guess I used up all the help I can get here.

I came back and I've quickly worn out my welcome here.

What can I do? I'm just going to move on to my next opportunity and make the most of it. And that's what I'll do. I'll make it back to Redding eventually. Nothing against you, my friends in Raleigh/Clayton/all other towns in the area. I just know I've worn out my welcome and I'm not wanted here.

It really does hurt to come to this conclusion, honestly. But there's a bright side, a great future God has for me.

I know God has great things in store for me. I'm an eagle that has somehow gotten stuck in this chicken coup he grew up in again. I know I can fly, yet others still try to tell me I can't. I've experienced the flight before. Yes, I crashed, but that's not stopping me from knowing that I am an eagle. Let's look past the negative stuff of the last two years. In the last two years, I've accomplished things that I know 10 years ago I never thought I'd be doing. God says there's more, that I need to fly higher, and don't worry about the crash. The crash is part of the learning and growing experience! And so I fly again!

Those that want to be chickens can choose to be. Is there anyone reading this who wants to be an eagle and fly even when the chickens say you can't do it? That's all they are, chickens! Let's fly! My real friends, the eagles, will support me through all this. And I may make mistakes along the way again! But I'm still learning. The chickens will mock me when I crash and say "I told you so" but there's no need to listen to them. So who among those reading this is a chicken and who is an eagle?

The past two paragraphs were based on a prophetic word that Angelo Candler gave me years ago. Basically he saw me as an eagle, and I was in a chicken coup. I dreamed of flying, yet everyone told me I was a chicken and couldn't fly. See, that word that he gave me was the first point where I began to understand my true identity in Christ. I know I'm not accepted by everyone, especially many in my home area. I don't need to be. I'm flying. Those who want to fly, feel free to join me!

So yet another move...

So I'm going to Chesapeake, Virginia. That's where my job is leading me to, and I've got a place being worked out up there.

This time, I'm not leaving necessarily to be part of some big church or ministry or anything. In fact, the only big ministry I'm aware of is CBN/The 700 Club, and that's over in Virginia Beach. I'm not really going up there to join them. While I respect them, they're not really even my stream (though lately they have been more interested in the Bethel stream, so maybe things are changing)

I'm going to check out a couple of different churches at first. One is Harvest Assembly which is in Chesapeake. The other is Greensprings Chapel, which is a long bus ride away and I'd have to get up early for that, but at least I can get there and I at least want to visit. It sounds like God is doing some awesome stuff there. And I'm sure once I'm in the Hampton Roads area I'll find out about other amazing churches too that I could be part of.

So it looks like my inner healing will have to take place in Virginia as well.

So it seems everything was falling apart here not long after I got here. But maybe it's because I was only going to be here very temporarily anyway. I didn't expect this to be permanent here in North Carolina, but apparently it's a way shorter time here than I thought it would be.

I've only been able to get to church one time since I've been back in North Carolina. The past couple of Sundays I tried to get a ride but nothing worked out. Fortunately I researched the Hampton Roads area, and they appear to have a very good transit system in Hampton Roads Transit (HRT). I think they run on Sundays as well. At least Google Maps said I could use the transit to get to Williamsburg on a Sunday, so I would assume so.

Oh, the HRT Max buses have Wifi too! You know when I get my new laptop that I'll be taking advantage of that!

Something I notice about when I choose to give up...

When I was in Redding, finding a job, most of the time, I didn't choose to give up while I was trying to find work.

When i chose to move down to Los Angeles, I made that choice after I had lost my job with Daydream Services. I made the choice after I had lost what I thought would help me to sustain me financially.

Again, I get back to Redding. I was willing to go homeless if I had to. Then I find a little freelance work. At first it seemed to be enough to sustain me.

But not enough of it came in.

Something happened where I wasn't willing to be homeless anymore to stay in Redding. I just wanted to go home.

I tend to give up after I see a certain amount of breakthrough, but then it doesn't last. That's when I give up.

Maybe the problem is once I got a certain amount of breakthrough, I was content with it and didn't keep pressing in for more. And when that breakthrough I had suddenly fell through, I wanted to give up.

I need to be prepared for things to fall through. And the fact is, I haven't been prepared for that. What do I do when I think I have breakthrough, and then it doesn't come to pass like I felt I needed it to? Like I get a job, thinking it would help me make a living and get back to ministry school by the next school year, just to lose it a month later?

I'm not trying to beat myself up over this. I'm just saying this is something I noticed. I give up after I see a certain amount of breakthrough, but find it's not enough.

What's the cause of that for me? Why do I do this? I want to know.

Just got a prophetic word...

I just got a prophetic word from someone in my e-mail. I think it's right on and I feel like I'm released to share this and see if any others out there want to piggy-back off of this one and give a word.

God is training you Joey to completely to rely on him right now in this season of being unsure...he is going to prove to you how sure his foundation is for you. He is going to show you things that only he can teach you and will not be learned thru a school. You are being built for a mighty prophetic office, the office of the prophet.....you will endure long suffering, as im sure that you've already endured to an extent,...and with long suffering the fruit of love will be birthed out of you for a healing ministry for you one day. God say's do kingdom work....live eat and breath my kingdom work, lay hands on the sick, comfort the lonely and share the security and help to fill their void with the love of Christ, go and visit the elderly and love on them...thank a veteran for their fight in the natural as we fight in the spiritual...hug a insecure person and tell them about God's love..etc..you get it. Now through all of these works....your faith is being built and you are being protected for the next phase of your training. Remember Faith without works is dead.....
Joey, you're moving into the realm of "kingdom anointing". This is so new, that it is not written in books or taught by schools yet.
Power is coming, Power is coming upon you and soon you will see. God is removing your spiritually blinded eyes, your spiritually deaf ears and also being spiritually mute so that he can give you his utterances to speak like the Apostle Paul. He will teach you even more of his truth's through fasting and praying for your direction and walk with him.